The women I fantasized about

First there was Karen. I introduced her in one of the earlier posts as my friend, David's wife. She was dark, a little on the plump side, full breasts but slender hips. She was always drawn to some social movement or the other and was utterly un-self-conscious about her way of presenting herself. That added much to her earthy appeal. I would not call that as her sex appeal. Of course, there were women who made snide remarks about her tendency to flaunt her cleavage. But I wasn't one of the fortunate few. She and I struck instant rapport because of the identity of our ideological positions. We were both so fond of each other that her husband, David, encouraged her to get close to me. I was too straight and proper to get into an affair with my friend's wife. But I did fantasize about her after she left him. I openly admired her spirit and determination to pursue causes which were dear to her heart. But it remained at that level.

Years later I met Maria who was tall, fair, young and well endowed. The most I liked about her were her exquisite lips, tender, red and dancing. I have never seen a more beautiful pair of lips. I would simply gaze at them when she talked, hardly listening to her words. But when I did, I found she was quite intelligent and knew the ways of the world. She came from a very aristocratic family and had studied design. She too shared an affectionate bond with me though much younger to me. I liked her quite a lot and she would sometimes demand a hug from me. That was a very pleasant experience for me initially, but later I found it turned me on. I wasn't comfortable with the arousal. The other problem was that she suffered from a rejection anxiety and would go into long periods of self imposed isolation. She would remain out of contact and would not think of informing me. I got a little scared of her temperamental ways and opted out of her way. I did fantasize about her and me being together. But it didn't last too long.

The most recent one was Vida, a divorcee woman in her late forties. She had grace and dignity and she had borne the pain of being thrown out of favour by a younger and more modern woman who took away her husband. Vida was a typical housewife who had taken up a job and done well in it by sheer dint of her determination. She was trying hard to overcome her limitations for the sake of her daughter. She initially turned antagonistic towards me thinking me to be another domineering male. When she realised I wasn't that way, she fell for me completely. She asked to join me on a long walk in the woods. I enjoyed talking to her. She was dark, tall and heavy below the waist. Her hips rolled majestically when she walked, despite the great care she took to cover her ample proportions with loose fitting garments. I got attracted to her majestic symmetry and fantasized about how the inside of her loins must look. That was a big turn on for me. Then she moved back to her home town and we lost contact, except through the social networking sites.

All the three women I fantasized were tall and well proportioned. They all were warm and affectionate towards me. I didn't flirt with them for different reasons in each case and had to be content with my fantasies.

Those were the nights...

Both Maddy and I must have been in our late thirties or early forties, when our lovemaking had reached its peak. The kids were no longer babies. So we encouraged them to sleep in their own rooms. After making sure that they had turned in, we would quietly bolt our bedroom door, so that if they did come to be with their mom in the dead of the night, we would get time to dress up. Nine out of ten times, I would take the lead to start the foreplay. That would be a really long session, starting with kissing Maddy all over the face and then slowly undressing her. Then it would be kissing each other all over, before we got down to fondling in the secret corners of love and passion.

But there would be that odd time, when I would get a surprise. As I would get into bed and stretch my hand to touch Maddy I would discover that she was lying completely naked under the rug, just waiting to be pampered all over. She would almost devour me and my manliness and I had to caution her against being greedy literally to save my skin and muscle.

I have chosen a visual for this post which depicts all the sensuality and love for each other that is the hallmark of great sex. Without love, sex is a physical act of passion. With love, sex transports us into a different realm altogether.

Karen and David

Karen called me one evening to tell me that she was finding it difficult to handle the situation around David's peculiar illness and could I meet her at her place. David was my long time friend, also a teacher in a local college. He had married Karen, his classmate from college, about 4 years back. Karen was working as a research associate in another institution, having returned from England with an economics masters. She was also associated with a radical group. David was a sympathiser but was not an active member. I knew several members of that group. Again I wasn't active.

I asked if David was in town. "No, he has gone to Bowling Green to visit his aunt." It was a difficult decision to make, to visit Karen when David wasn't there. But the desperation in her voice told me that she needed help.

Both of them were intellectually alert, but I would have rated Karen a notch or two above David. It was her more active life in radical politics that had given her that edge. She had an earthy attractiveness about her while David certainly had a debonair air about him. Nobody could have suspected anything amiss in their happy relationship.

When I reached their place, I found Karen quite distraught. She immediately launched into narrating her tale. "Our man has been terrified of stepping out of the house. You know there is this trouble going on at his college with some staff going on strike. The Principal thinks David is behind all this. David believes she is going all out to get him. He suspect foul play. He has gone paranoid. Any small noise and he gives a start and asks me to check if there is some one at the door. I had to drop him at the bus station, he was so nervous." This sounded quite weird to me. I could not have imagined David going nuts. But more was to come.

Karen got up to get some coffee, her nightie fluttered to reveal a little bit of her thigh and I thought it a little odd. She came back to continue her tale. "He suspects me of having a fling when he is not here and constantly inspects our bed and bedsheets for any telltale signs. That's the most upsetting part."

I told Karen that there was nothing that I could have done to help the situation, as I felt David needed psychiatric help for his hallucinations. I asked her if I could talk to a Psychiatrist whom I knew. She readily agreed to the suggestion. I told her that she would have to be careful about not mentioning my name to him in all this. He would then suspect me of having an affair with Karen.

In fact he had dropped hints of a strange kind in the past few months. When we happened to be together one evening, he said something to the effect that Karen and I could enjoy a discussion better than Karen would with him, as we were more compatible intellectually. I had ignored that comment then. But it came back to me now. If David found out that I had asked Karen to put him on psychiatric treatment, he would make her life difficult.

What were my feelings towards her? As I mentioned she had an earthy sensuality about her. She had a filled out figure, though her hips weren't feminine according to me. She had a natural warmth about her. She respected me and trusted me. Beyond this there was nothing between us.

She was alone, distraught and it was difficult to gauge what was happening between us at that moment. The bridge of trust could have taken me to the other side of passion. Promising to pass on the doc's details, I took her leave and left with a sense of relief that I had saved myself.

In course of time, David was put on medication for his manic depression and resumed his normal work. A year passed, but things did not proceed smoothly for Karen. She finally left him and married a comrade from her radical group. David moved on to do another master's in Media and married a coursemate of his, who was 10 years younger to him.

Years later I still wonder: there was nothing between Karen and I, then how come David sensed our rapport and suggested an affair?

For M

To see you in real is happiness.

To touch you is joy.

To kiss you is heaven.

To unite with you is to lose my self.

I knew it would happen.

I was lucky to see Maddy in the raw a couple of days back. It's blazing hot out here, so much so that you finish your bath and you are sweating all over again. I was busy with the papers and Maddy went to take her bath. She had luckily for me forgotten the towel for the thousandth time. So I kept it on the doorknob. She took it, but it was so hot inside the bath that she came out without a stitch on her and started wiping her dry. She is bulky, but let me tell you her curves are still intact. I could not take my eyes off her. She screamed, you dirty old fool. I said, there is nothing dirty in watching your wife in the raw. I relished the sight of all parts of her but didn't get turned on. I have a lurking suspicion that she likes to move about in the nude, but cannot own it up. It happened again the next day. I was happy to get a view again.

This morning I made bold and told her that I wanted to make love. She said she didn't feel like it. I said that's fine and am not going to force it on you, but just that after many days, I felt like it. She said after a thought that I could, if I managed it real quick. I told her of the many romps we have had over the years and the times I had to stop her moans and groans from blaring the neighbourhood. That did it. We had a real quick one and I felt good after so many days.

A Kiss is a kiss is a...

I first kissed Maddy when we had just had our engagement. It was dusk, when we went out for a walk near her house. It was a lonely stretch and there wasn't a star in the sky. I seized the chance and turned her face toward me to plant a light kiss on her lips. I had read somewhere that you never kiss once, but always twice. So I kissed her again and was delighted. After we got married, the foreplay always started with kissing, which went on throughout. The best part was tongues rolling inside. Then we kissed other parts of the body to our great mutual delight.

And now?
It's thirty three years since we first kissed. Now Maddy shirks back if I even feign to kiss her. I don't know what has come over her. She finds any bodily intimacy to be distasteful. I am intrigued.

Image by Alex Ingram

Take off

Madeleine looks at my statements from a frame of mind that sees me as obsessed with sex. It so happened that in the unusually hot weather we had last night I found the airconditioning a bit colder than what I wanted. So I opted for raising the temp a little and took off my clothes. A little later, Maddy started complaining about the heat. I told her she might be better off without her gown. "Oh you've nothing else to think of than f--- your wife!", she said. I told her, "you got me wrong there. You know only one meaning of taking your clothes off. Not me, ma'm."

Of course, I agree, my behaviour in the past might have led to formation of this meaning in her. But I have changed and moved on. To me one can be perfectly at ease being nude without desiring sex all the time. Look at the nudist camps and beaches. People are moving about in the raw and not necessarily getting aroused. But for people like Maddy my partner if you are getting naked, your are getting ready to be laid.

What this is all about

Hi

This blog to me is an exploration of my sexuality and the hope is it will help my readers to do the same for them and in turn to help me.

Let me quickly explain what i mean by exploration. Sexuality for me was a thing never to be discussed at home, nor in college or at work. Shrouded in a thick veil of convention, I could bring myself to talk about it only with two or three very close friends. During three decades of marriage and a very satisfying sex life with my partner, Madeleine, I have still not been able to talk about it with her. She is not interested in discussing it, which was good, because she sported her preference for action and led me on several expeditions to explore the hidden tunnels of pleasure in her ample anatomy. But, alas, she has now lost the appetite for a good solid round of sex.

So to tell you the truth I have found it difficult to own up my sexuality. I do not admit to myself that I have sexual desires and fantasies, that I have felt a strong attraction towards eroticism and that I have used the internet to fill my voyeuristic urges. There was a time when I would feel guilty about it. It is not there in severity now. So it is time to figure out what all this means to me as a person, as a man and as a human being. What prevents acceptance? What drives surreptitious activity? What does Madeleine mean to me beyond her superb physicality?

Figuring out the landscape around these and similar questions is the Sexploration that I wish to undertake. Join in, if you like. That would be very good.