I knew it would happen.

I was lucky to see Maddy in the raw a couple of days back. It's blazing hot out here, so much so that you finish your bath and you are sweating all over again. I was busy with the papers and Maddy went to take her bath. She had luckily for me forgotten the towel for the thousandth time. So I kept it on the doorknob. She took it, but it was so hot inside the bath that she came out without a stitch on her and started wiping her dry. She is bulky, but let me tell you her curves are still intact. I could not take my eyes off her. She screamed, you dirty old fool. I said, there is nothing dirty in watching your wife in the raw. I relished the sight of all parts of her but didn't get turned on. I have a lurking suspicion that she likes to move about in the nude, but cannot own it up. It happened again the next day. I was happy to get a view again.

This morning I made bold and told her that I wanted to make love. She said she didn't feel like it. I said that's fine and am not going to force it on you, but just that after many days, I felt like it. She said after a thought that I could, if I managed it real quick. I told her of the many romps we have had over the years and the times I had to stop her moans and groans from blaring the neighbourhood. That did it. We had a real quick one and I felt good after so many days.

A Kiss is a kiss is a...

I first kissed Maddy when we had just had our engagement. It was dusk, when we went out for a walk near her house. It was a lonely stretch and there wasn't a star in the sky. I seized the chance and turned her face toward me to plant a light kiss on her lips. I had read somewhere that you never kiss once, but always twice. So I kissed her again and was delighted. After we got married, the foreplay always started with kissing, which went on throughout. The best part was tongues rolling inside. Then we kissed other parts of the body to our great mutual delight.

And now?
It's thirty three years since we first kissed. Now Maddy shirks back if I even feign to kiss her. I don't know what has come over her. She finds any bodily intimacy to be distasteful. I am intrigued.

Image by Alex Ingram

Take off

Madeleine looks at my statements from a frame of mind that sees me as obsessed with sex. It so happened that in the unusually hot weather we had last night I found the airconditioning a bit colder than what I wanted. So I opted for raising the temp a little and took off my clothes. A little later, Maddy started complaining about the heat. I told her she might be better off without her gown. "Oh you've nothing else to think of than f--- your wife!", she said. I told her, "you got me wrong there. You know only one meaning of taking your clothes off. Not me, ma'm."

Of course, I agree, my behaviour in the past might have led to formation of this meaning in her. But I have changed and moved on. To me one can be perfectly at ease being nude without desiring sex all the time. Look at the nudist camps and beaches. People are moving about in the raw and not necessarily getting aroused. But for people like Maddy my partner if you are getting naked, your are getting ready to be laid.

What this is all about

Hi

This blog to me is an exploration of my sexuality and the hope is it will help my readers to do the same for them and in turn to help me.

Let me quickly explain what i mean by exploration. Sexuality for me was a thing never to be discussed at home, nor in college or at work. Shrouded in a thick veil of convention, I could bring myself to talk about it only with two or three very close friends. During three decades of marriage and a very satisfying sex life with my partner, Madeleine, I have still not been able to talk about it with her. She is not interested in discussing it, which was good, because she sported her preference for action and led me on several expeditions to explore the hidden tunnels of pleasure in her ample anatomy. But, alas, she has now lost the appetite for a good solid round of sex.

So to tell you the truth I have found it difficult to own up my sexuality. I do not admit to myself that I have sexual desires and fantasies, that I have felt a strong attraction towards eroticism and that I have used the internet to fill my voyeuristic urges. There was a time when I would feel guilty about it. It is not there in severity now. So it is time to figure out what all this means to me as a person, as a man and as a human being. What prevents acceptance? What drives surreptitious activity? What does Madeleine mean to me beyond her superb physicality?

Figuring out the landscape around these and similar questions is the Sexploration that I wish to undertake. Join in, if you like. That would be very good.