Not knowing...

I am not sure exactly what's happening here and so am trying to make sense of it by writing.  Things might just become a little less hazier, once they are out on screen.

We have this maid coming to cook meals in the morning.  She is petite in her early forties and has a pleasant demeanour.  Sometimes she is asked to make tea.  Now it has become her habit to ask me if I want another cup of tea in the morning.  She approaches me pleasantly and touches my fingers while handing the cup.

She keeps herself neat and tidy and there's nothing elegant about her appearance.  Yet there is a strange attractiveness about her persona.  I am noticing more of her these days and that unsettles me.  She is so small that one can just lift her easily in one's arms.  Her demeanour is very pleasant and perhaps that makes one notice her.

She usually offers to keep the garbage cans out.  Yesterday while keeping the cans out, she turned and tried to cover herself with the open end of her apron.  She wears it over her top and tries to adjust apron from time to time to cover her chest portion.  It so happened yesterday that her gesture left open the left half of her top.  Nothing was exposed, but the gesture drew my attention to her breasts. They must be small and not very firm, I thought.  I also thought she had done it involuntarily to draw my attention to her.

That left me wondering.  Was she trying to seduce me or was it that I am getting attracted physically to her?  Either way I must take note and take charge of my discretion.  There is no doubt I like her being in the house and moving about in her usually brisk and pleasant manner.  Let that pleasure continue at least.

Discoveries

They say life never ceases to surprise you.

It so happened that a few weeks ago, I felt the urge to prove to myself that my sexuality was intact.  I tried to hint this to my wife a few times, but she turned me away saying she was tired and did not feel the urge for sex at all.  I didn't prod.  I continued to nurse the fantasy that I'd one day take her up.  I tried to fiddle with my imagination by trying to see if my cyberflame was still interested.  It didn't look like it.  The flame turned very formal and I had to give up on her.  I continued to pat my wife and stroke her back every night.  That she has been liking and continues to do so.

Then I was away for about a week for a program that I was facilitating.   The day I came back, I found my wife demurely cuddling up to me.  I realised she was eager for intimacy.  We snuggled up to each other and engaged in a fairly long foreplay.  I love to stroke her back and bums and she has an ample measure of them.  We both became very passionate and before either knew we had one of the most satisfying sessions in recent past.  I was relieved that I was quite strong enough to satisfy her fully.  We lay in each other's arms for a long while.  I was wondering about my fears and all those stupide anxieties about erectile dysfunction and so on.

Of course, regular exercise helps in fitness and that does help in bed.  But life has a way of throwing surprises at you.  That's for sure.  Mind you we both have crossed sixties.

Full Bloom of Desire

There is this model who is featured on an art nude photo sight.  She is middle aged and has a full figure.  You might call her fleshy.  The amazing thing about her is her expressiveness.  She is at complete ease with her body and nudity.  She is in love with life.  In her case it is not the body that needs a garment but the other way round.  She contemplates her desires, never splashes.

The feminine needs to unite with the masculine in a hundred ways.  Most of them are transactional and power based either tending to use physical power or economic one.  And there are ways that arise from powerlessness, like porn and live shows.  But she contemplates - which means she waits for that perfect transcendental union in which both the masculine and the feminine merge into one consciousness that belongs to neither.  That is what I call the Full Bloom of Desire.  Tantra, I have a feeling, is based on this kind of transcendence, that accepts sexuality and doesn't deny it.

Here are the glimpses of this full Bloom goddess from igmar.photosight.ru

Obviously she has had a full life of desire, but there is still a lot of it left in her.  She has no reserve in admitting it, as you can see in this pose of hers.  Disrobed as she is, you notice that she has taken good care of herself.  That is a sign of accepting oneself as it is.  Her recline shows that she is in no hurry, though open to all kind of possibilities. 

In the picture below you see another facet - she recalls those perfect unions that went beyond two bodies and lifted them as one spirit in unison.  Those memories bring on a smile and a sense of responsible choice, which means not giving in to carnal impulses and instead trying to move slowly and gingerly.  The way she places one thigh over the other is suggesting this caution and at the same time the expectation that things can again happen.

bliss it is....

As I mentioned in the last post, truth is stranger than fiction. My wife was quite upset with my admission of the cyber affair and no amount of explaining that it was virtual and not real could convince her. She wanted to get to the bottom of it all. She checked my cellphone records while i was asleep. She listed the numbers that i had called. My browser links were investigated. She came to the conclusion that the affair was a sustained and intense one and that it was happening right under her nose. She was furious, upset, sad and depressed all at the same time.

One night she burst out crying, screaming and cursing me. Even then I was living under the constant threat of blackmail. I could not curse myself enough through the day. The world did not know what was happening to both of us, as we went about our daily routine. Of course, our minds were not on the job at hand. We were completely disconcerted. The latest bout of her screaming left me completely bewildered. Then she did the most unexpected thing. She hugged me and kissed me and kept asking me,"why did you do this to me?"

I was totally taken aback. It took me a minute to come to senses and then I kissed her passionately and whispered,"I am sorry, darling. I loved you and even now I love you and only you." We were drowned in the play of passions and in a natural flow, we made love and lay motionless.

In the morning, I realised that all my problems of erectile dysfunction had just vanished in that moment. I whispered into her lips as she lay by my side, contented and happy at our regained togetherness. She pulled me down and clasped me tight. We were so close to each other now, and just a few hours back, all had appeared lost and distant. She delighted herself with the early morning love making.

The ghost of the cyber seductress stalks in our bedroom from time to time. I am now used to its antics. My lovely wife does try to drive out the ghost. The more she tries that, the more the ghost hides in some nook or corner. I pay no heed to it, as I undress my wife early morning and get inside her to make love and celebrate our new-found intimacy.

The long and short of it

Withing a week of writing my last post on this blog, I got an invitation on a social network site, which was to change the equation with my wife for ever.

She claimed to be 31, married, a mother of a three year old girl, educated and wealthy and asked to be contacted on email. My usual circumspection went out the window and I wrote to her and was promptly rewarded with a delectable photograph showing a decently dressed woman with just a whiff of cleavage showing. She invited me to chat on the messenger. We started chatting and then having regular cyber sex. I had no idea of what it was. But the lady initiated me into it. My wife was away. One thing led to another and we made love on the internet. We got really intimate and I started feeling guilty about keeping my wife in the dark.

I couldn't make up my mind whether this cyber sex was real or unreal. The lady said it was real for her. For me it was more of fantasy, but a very desirable and loveable one at that. For nearly 6 months this affair of sorts went on interspersed with cyber sex sessions at different times of the day, but mostly during office hours.

The whole affair went through tumultuous times. Every now or then the lady would get a bout of insecurity. She was afraid she might lose me. So she would accuse me of treating her as a a plaything and threaten to expose me to my wife. I had made the mistake of revealing my true identity to her. With threats of blackmail I would give in and we would be getting cosy soon as though nothing had happened. Invariably such bouts would occur soon after peak experiences.

I realised the lady was not in sound mental health. I thought of helping her regain her poise. But soon it was clear that this matter needed professional handling, much beyong empathy. I was not happy being subjected to threats over and over again. I introduced this matter sideways to my wife. She is a clever woman alright.

She figured out things from a few instances and I thought it better to confess to her and so told her bit by bit about our affair over the period of a week. What followed my disclosure was totally beyond my imagination! Truth is stranger than fiction.

At this age

It isn't easy for me to engage in sexual intercourse in this age. For one, she wants to be done with it, so she says wham-bang-slam and get out quick. It's not easy for me to work up an erection at will. I need to engage in foreplay. She doesn't want any of it. So when she was going out for three weeks she reluctantly offered herself without any prompting from me. I was not feeling up to it, but didn't want to lose this opportunity to get on with it. The last time we made love must have been 8 months back.

She was standing and pulled down her panties, but kept the gown on. I slid my hands up and grabbed her ample hips and felt all over them. That immensely pleasurable sensation helped me get the erection and though the passage was not smooth and the ride wasn't easy, still after a while I managed to get inside and make love to my dear wife. Afterwards, she just lay naked for a while. I could steal a glance or two at her exposed crotch. That was enough.

The women I fantasized about

First there was Karen. I introduced her in one of the earlier posts as my friend, David's wife. She was dark, a little on the plump side, full breasts but slender hips. She was always drawn to some social movement or the other and was utterly un-self-conscious about her way of presenting herself. That added much to her earthy appeal. I would not call that as her sex appeal. Of course, there were women who made snide remarks about her tendency to flaunt her cleavage. But I wasn't one of the fortunate few. She and I struck instant rapport because of the identity of our ideological positions. We were both so fond of each other that her husband, David, encouraged her to get close to me. I was too straight and proper to get into an affair with my friend's wife. But I did fantasize about her after she left him. I openly admired her spirit and determination to pursue causes which were dear to her heart. But it remained at that level.

Years later I met Maria who was tall, fair, young and well endowed. The most I liked about her were her exquisite lips, tender, red and dancing. I have never seen a more beautiful pair of lips. I would simply gaze at them when she talked, hardly listening to her words. But when I did, I found she was quite intelligent and knew the ways of the world. She came from a very aristocratic family and had studied design. She too shared an affectionate bond with me though much younger to me. I liked her quite a lot and she would sometimes demand a hug from me. That was a very pleasant experience for me initially, but later I found it turned me on. I wasn't comfortable with the arousal. The other problem was that she suffered from a rejection anxiety and would go into long periods of self imposed isolation. She would remain out of contact and would not think of informing me. I got a little scared of her temperamental ways and opted out of her way. I did fantasize about her and me being together. But it didn't last too long.

The most recent one was Vida, a divorcee woman in her late forties. She had grace and dignity and she had borne the pain of being thrown out of favour by a younger and more modern woman who took away her husband. Vida was a typical housewife who had taken up a job and done well in it by sheer dint of her determination. She was trying hard to overcome her limitations for the sake of her daughter. She initially turned antagonistic towards me thinking me to be another domineering male. When she realised I wasn't that way, she fell for me completely. She asked to join me on a long walk in the woods. I enjoyed talking to her. She was dark, tall and heavy below the waist. Her hips rolled majestically when she walked, despite the great care she took to cover her ample proportions with loose fitting garments. I got attracted to her majestic symmetry and fantasized about how the inside of her loins must look. That was a big turn on for me. Then she moved back to her home town and we lost contact, except through the social networking sites.

All the three women I fantasized were tall and well proportioned. They all were warm and affectionate towards me. I didn't flirt with them for different reasons in each case and had to be content with my fantasies.